How well do you know those around you?
Essay by Elina Penner, author and editor-in-chief of the online magazine Hauptstadtmutti
“How was your holiday?” my colleague asks cheerfully. We get along well, and I’m sure she genuinely hopes I had a relaxing break. Then she asks me: “Where did you fly off to?”
First day back at school. The teacher asks the children to write about what they did during the holidays. One child raises their hand to ask how to spell Thailand.
At a first date, a guy talks about his trip to Croatia, jokingly saying it looked just like Italy, but cheaper. Later that evening, he will describe pelmeni as “Russian tortellini”. His date won’t see him again, and he’ll wonder why.
These three situations show that not everyone associates the same thing with going on holiday and travelling. My colleague assumed I spent my holiday flying somewhere. It’s a small question, but one that might carry some weight. The unspoken expectation of an expensive trip can feel awkward. Perhaps it would have been better to pause after the first question and wait for that first reply. Maybe I spent my time off doing some urgent renovating, maybe I “only” went up to the North Sea. Maybe I have a fear of flying and don’t like to talk about it.
For the second situation, we can picture a class with many different children. It’s likely that some of them have never been away on holiday. Nearly one in five children in Germany is at risk of poverty. Some spend every school break travelling to the country their parents are from, visiting their grandparents, helping out with the harvest, or working on their uncle’s house. They might feel like there’s nothing interesting to say about going to the same small village again.
The young man doesn’t yet know that the person sitting opposite is from Croatia. He’s measuring a country that’s been part of the EU for over ten years against one that he considers “the norm”.
She’s tired of hearing views like his and she no longer has the energy to challenge them. People often assume she’s from Spain or Italy. She can see the disappointment in their faces when she tells them where she’s really from.
It takes patience and strength to be different from what society considers the norm, especially when all you want is to fit in. Feeling left out can have many causes. Many people who grew up with limited financial means or other challenges know that feeling from their first day back at school. It stays with them, whether they’re dating or at work.
We don’t know the story behind the people around us. We don’t know who might be caring for someone after work, or who’s just received a life-changing diagnosis. We don’t know whether a person comes from a history of migration or was born here. We don’t know what our colleague or good friend can afford. Maybe they’re the first in their family to go to university, paying off student loans while supporting their parents or younger siblings.
We can turn this unawareness into understanding and empathy. That too takes strength and patience.
Elina Penner is editor-in-chief of the online magazine Hauptstadtmutti and author of the books Nachtbeeren (2022) and Migrantenmutti (2023), both published by Aufbau Verlag.